Wednesday, May 15, 2013

How to Attract a New Sweetie

Diamond Warrior by Michael Parkes
Recently I listened to a talk by relationship coach Lisa Hayes. It was part of her series on Dating in the Vortex and focused on Lisa’s “two list” approach to attracting new or improved love. Since this is the topic of interest to all of us Sup readers and authors, I thought to explore some of these ideas here.

On the call, Lisa read us a client’s LONG list of her ideal date. It was as detailed as a Briggs-Myers personality test, only more personal and included a CV, physical traits, emotional responses to a wide range of situations, minimum bank balance etc. etc. There really wasn't much missing, down to the most personal, um, details.

Lisa's point – specifics might actually be limiting if we aren't listing how we want to feel. (who cares what their annual income is, or make, model and car registration # or even favorite food, if we aren't feeling the love?) This example got me thinking about list making altogether, especially when it involves another person. Isn't that conditional love? The thought of someone ticking off my appearances, traits, IQ and emotional responses feels . . . odd.

Actually, it's kinda creepy. I wonder how our heroines might feel if their love interest was concerned with 'specs'. It would get my leading ladies' hackles up, for sure. The question is, are we missing the point of relationship when we preordain what the ‘other’ must be like? Maybe, but don’t get me wrong. Lists are valuable. They tell us things about ourselves.

For example, if I make a my new sweetie (MNS) list and it goes like this: MNS is rich, smart, funny, gorgeous, adventurous, independent, fit, must love cats . . . what does this say about me? It says, I want to be rich, smart, funny, gorgeous, adventurous, independent, fit and surrounded by cats. The list is never about ‘them’. It’s about us, and when we get that, we can stop ‘needing’ others to be x,y or z, and be that ourselves. Then, we enjoy the new sweetie for who they are. Period.

Besides showing us what we want to become, the MNS list can point out why we want what it is we want. Armed with that knowledge we can get to the feeling place now, before MNS shows up. Does everyone know the “why do I want that” exercise? It's so insightful.

1) Start with a current desire. It might be I want to date a man with $$$. Underneath that statement ask, why do I want that? It might go like this:

I want to date a man with $$$

Why do I want that?

So I don’t have to pay for everything myself

Why do I want that?

So someone besides me steps up for a change

Why do I want that?

So I feel special

making your listAnd there it is. In this case, I don’t give a hoot about their bank account. What I really want is to feel special.  

And this is an inside job. As Ean Begg says, When we stop expecting other people to fulfill us, we can begin to fulfill ourselves. Does that leave the door open for true relationship, or what? The other great thing about the MNS list is, it tunes our radar for new possibilities. 

If I say my sweetie is generous, kind, hot, funny, smart, sporty etc I'm cuing my unconscious that these things do exist! Like they say, I’ll see it when I believe it, and the list helps me believe. For those who think relationships suck, or that men/women are untrustworthy, lists can help shift the vibe to a better feeling place.

How about you? Do you make lists for dates, partners, perfect clients, agents, others? Or do you connect with people from scratch, where who they are and what they look like and how they think is of no concern because you know, if they are in your space, they are a vibrational match? 

Combination of the two? I’d love to hear your thoughts (and lists)!

Kim Falconer is a Supernatural Underground author writing paranormal romance, urban fantasy, YA and epic science fantasy novels. She also co-directs Good Vibe Astrology, an astrology and law of attraction school.

You can find out more about Kim at or on the 11th House Blog. She posts here at the Supernatural Underground on the 16th of every month. Her latest release is Supernatural Underground: Vampires Gone Wild.


Helen Lowe said...

Hi Kim, great post! I made a lot of lists when I was house hunting, mainly so I wouldn't forget to check things like number of power points, water pressure etc, but it probably wouldn't occur to me to make a list about a partner or friend--feel it is important to take people on their merits and allow them to be individual, rather than fitting them into boxes.

Kim Falconer said...

I agree, Helen, though if we are stuck in a pattern (if we're advertising for poets but keep getting truck drivers, for example) a list can help us clarify what we really want, if used for self-exploration.

Thanks for jumping in!

Bonnie said...

I really enjoyed this post. When I was dating I started out with a list. But as time went by, my list dwindled. Then it was down to male, breathing, and walking. I have up after that. I found after I gave up looking the perfect guy dropped into my life.

KerrelynSparks said...

Wow, what an interesting and insightful post, Kim! I'm always fascinated by what brings two people together and why. I'll be thinking about your post as I write my next book. Thank you!