How to Attract a New Sweetie

Diamond Warrior by Michael Parkes

Recently I listened to a talk by relationship coach Lisa Hayes. It was part of her series on Dating in the Vortex and focused on Lisa’s “two list” approach to attracting new or improved love. Since this is the topic of interest to all of us Sup readers and authors, I thought to explore some of these ideas here.

On the call, Lisa read us a client’s LONG list of her ideal date. It was as detailed as a Briggs-Myers personality test, only more personal and included a CV, physical traits, emotional responses to a wide range of situations, minimum bank balance etc. etc. There really wasn't much missing, down to the most personal, um, details.

Lisa's point – specifics might actually be limiting if we aren't listing how we want to feel. (who cares what their annual income is, or make, model and car registration # or even favorite food, if we aren't feeling the love?) This example got me thinking about list making altogether, especially when it involves another person. Isn't that conditional love? The thought of someone ticking off my appearances, traits, IQ and emotional responses feels . . . odd.

Actually, it's kinda creepy. I wonder how our heroines might feel if their love interest was concerned with 'specs'. It would get my leading ladies' hackles up, for sure. The question is, are we missing the point of relationship when we preordain what the ‘other’ must be like? Maybe, but don’t get me wrong. Lists are valuable. They tell us things about ourselves.

For example, if I make a my new sweetie (MNS) list and it goes like this: MNS is rich, smart, funny, gorgeous, adventurous, independent, fit, must love cats . . . what does this say about me? It says, I want to be rich, smart, funny, gorgeous, adventurous, independent, fit and surrounded by cats. The list is never about ‘them’. It’s about us, and when we get that, we can stop ‘needing’ others to be x,y or z, and be that ourselves. Then, we enjoy the new sweetie for who they are. Period.

Besides showing us what we want to become, the MNS list can point out why we want what it is we want. Armed with that knowledge we can get to the feeling place now, before MNS shows up. Does everyone know the “why do I want that” exercise? It's so insightful.

1) Start with a current desire. It might be I want to date a man with $$$. Underneath that statement ask, why do I want that? It might go like this:

I want to date a man with $$$

Why do I want that?

So I don’t have to pay for everything myself

Why do I want that?

So someone besides me steps up for a change

Why do I want that?

So I feel special

And there it is. In this case, I don’t give a hoot about their bank account. What I really want is to feel special.  

And this is an inside job. As Ean Begg says, When we stop expecting other people to fulfill us, we can begin to fulfill ourselves. Does that leave the door open for true relationship, or what? The other great thing about the MNS list is, it tunes our radar for new possibilities. 

If I say my sweetie is generous, kind, hot, funny, smart, sporty etc I'm cuing my unconscious that these things do exist! Like they say, I’ll see it when I believe it, and the list helps me believe. For those who think relationships suck, or that men/women are untrustworthy, lists can help shift the vibe to a better feeling place.

How about you? Do you make lists for dates, partners, perfect clients, agents, others? Or do you connect with people from scratch, where who they are and what they look like and how they think is of no concern because you know, if they are in your space, they are a vibrational match? 

Combination of the two? I’d love to hear your thoughts (and lists)!

Kim Falconer is a Supernatural Underground author writing paranormal romance, urban fantasy, YA and epic science fantasy novels. She also co-directs Good Vibe Astrology, an astrology and law of attraction school.

You can find out more about Kim at kimfalconer.com or on the 11th House Blog. She posts here at the Supernatural Underground on the 16th of every month. Her latest release is Supernatural Underground: Vampires Gone Wild.

Wish I could tell you I'm a better guy...

...love is all around and only real men cry. But all I wanna do is jump your bones; slam dance all night to the music of your moans.

All right. Take a minute, get some tea. Coffee. You know, something wet. Possibly alcoholic. A martini. Let's be classy. Let's be honest. Put on some lipstick and your best serious glasses (although dear gentlemen, you may choose one, if you prefer) and let's have a chat.

I have a confession. And I suspect I'm not the only one.

You say you want my love...

...well, my love tastes of salt.

Sometimes, the best heroes are those who know what they want. And what they bloody well want is her.

Come on, think about it. sit back, cross your legs most ladylike at the knee (or most dashingly, if you so choose) and purse your mouth thoughtfully. You may, if you wish, make a noise, such as, "Hmm." Or, if you prefer, "Ah..." Let me pose to you a question to answer:

Is there anything that makes a woman feel more special, more attractive, more turned on than simply being wanted?

Not because we hold the key to some artifact of power, not because something in our genetics speaks out to a creature of the night. Not because we're rich, or because we've fallen in his lap and need to be saved. Nor is it because we—as is far more likely, ladies—saved him.

Wanted because something about us speaks to him. Wanted because he took one look and thought, "I have to taste her." Wanted, my dear friends, because he is male and thinking with every masculine chromosome he possess from the neck down.

Am I right?

If there's a deeper meaning that you're trying to find...

...it's in your head, you'd better treat it kind.

Now, I hear you—But Karina, you shout, waving the olive-adorned toothpick from your martini between two fingers, that would make a very short book!

I agree, and I certainly wouldn't want to shortchange any of my favorite books. As you may have realized by now, I'm an avid fan of murder, mayhem, mystery and magic. And, likely, other words beginning with 'm'. A little blood brings out the best in everyone.

And certainly, an alpha werewolf, sexy vampire or adrenaline-junkie monster hunter will have his own problems, tasks and goals in mind. I won't begrudge any of them this. Just because a hero has things on his mind doesn't mean he can't fall in lust at first sight.

Conversely, just because he falls in lust at first sight doesn't mean he can't have other things to tend to.

All too often in paranormal romance, I find that heroes are so wrapped up in their lives, their goals, their murders and life-threatening events that the conflict between hero and heroine invariably stems from the usuals—he needs to hunt her, she wants to kill him, he needs to protect her from the monsters and falls for her in close quarters, hate at first sight, competition at first sight, and so forth.

I wonder, are there any paranormal romance books out there where the hero—or the heroine—simply decides from the start that he wants the woman who isn't at all part of the plot, the community he's protecting, or even related at all to the subject at hand? Or that she is going to land herself the hunky man at the bar for the kind of late-night getting-to-know-you that leaves her humming in the morning?

Sure, such an event would likely draw the other into the plot, but that's life, isn't it? A chance encounter that rocks your world, and changes it...

And in the best of worlds you are the same as me...

...You think of life and love and morals separately. You don't expect a promise to last longer than the words themselves.

The aspect of this I love the most is the sheer, unadulterated passion that draws these two together. It's not mired in mystery, or in politics, or in ulterior motives.

I once started writing a book—which, to my everlasting shame, was lost in a hard drive crash—involving a human hero and a Fae-cursed heroine. She wanted nothing to do with him, mostly due to her own issues, but he took one look at her and thought to himself, Sean, buddy, you've got to nail that before you go home.

Was it classy? Nope.

Was it honest? Skippy. Honest to the to the bone.

And because he single-mindedly pursued her, he ended up sucked into a world far beyond his knowledge. But the wanting came first. The acting on that want came before anything else, and I'd be lying if I said that Mairi wasn't more than a little turned on by that attention. He didn't want her magic, or her secrets. Hell, he didn't even know she was anything more than the proprietor of a Bed & Breakfast. He simply... wanted her. And that got his foot in the door, unwitting though it was.

My point, ladies and gentlemen, is such: plot is juicy. Plot makes the world go 'round, it changes people, develops them. Plot is the bread and butter of books. However, I submit that not everything has to do with plot.

Sometimes, two people just desperately want to shag.

Furthermore, I submit that there is something raw, something unparalleled... dare I say it? Something unspoilt about two people who are attracted to one another without the meddling fingers of plot to force the attraction in some way or another.

Plot will have the rest of the book to yo-yo them around.

Give me a man who is honest about his wants. The woman who responds to that raw honesty is bound to find her life changed forever.

... Or waking up the next morning with tangled sheets and a hazy memory of a guy whose name might have been Fred. You know, it can go either way. In romance books, the morning after can be one hell of a start.

Karina Cooper is a paranormal romance author for Avon. Her debut novel, Blood of the Wicked—an urban romance set in a world torn apart by a war between the accused and the hunters sworn to kill them—will be released in 2011. She's not actually advocating that people run off and sleep with the first person who says, "I want you," but does challenge everyone to keep a mental note of how many pick-up artists actually try that line instead something cheesy. You know, for science.

All lyrics in headers and following quotes come from Fiction Plane's It's a Lie, only one of her most favorite songs ever.